Useful
Inventions
Favorite
Quotes
Game
Design
Atari
Memories
Personal
Pages

FMQ

Future Movie Quotes (Fake Movie Quotes) and other goofy stuff.

Opinion page by Duane Alan Hahn.

Table of Contents

Below are goofy things that might be heard in future movies or TV shows or nowhere at all. Dates provided are from the original postings, but many entries were updated and expanded in July of 2014. Some entries are funny, some are gross, some are goofy, some are weird, and some are all of the above.

 

 

 

 

Dinner and a Movie (May 3, 2016)

Friend #1: “Look at that long line in front of the movie theater.”

 

Friend #2: “People go to the movies to eat candy and popcorn while damaging their hearing. It’s a fun distraction that makes waiting for death a little more bearable. And if a guy pays for dinner and a movie, the tradition is that his date will usually feel obligated to polish his knob later that night. It’s a polite form of prostitution. Since cash isn’t handed directly to the knob polisher, it’s legal and nobody raises an eyebrow or gives it a second thought. Hooray for legal prostitution!”

 

Friend #1: “Speaking of dinner, thanks again for paying. I won’t have any cash until next week.”

 

Friend #2: “No problem. Want to see a movie?”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Not Talking (March 28, 2016)

Spouse #1: “Have you ever thought about not talking so much? The sound coming out of your mouth ruins everything without fail. I’d tell you to just stand there and look pretty, but we both know that’s impossible for at least two reasons.”

 

Spouse #2: “Hey! You just called me ugly, didn’t you?!!”

 

Spouse #1: “Nothing gets past my husband!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Christmas Lights (December 6, 2015)

Friend #1: “Should I use white lights or multi-colored lights this Christmas?”

 

Friend #2: “The pretentious upper-middle-class use all white because that’s what they think rich people would use. Sterile and boring. I want decorations to be as colorful as possible. Make it look like Tinker Bell flew up Santa’s ass and exploded, covering the room in glitter, faux fur, and sparkly Santa goodness.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Fast Food Hair (July 16, 2014)

Customer: “I don’t think that paper hat will keep your hair out of my food.”

 

Fast Food Dude: “It won’t keep my spit out of it either.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Chicken Steaks (June 26, 2014)

Old Friend: “He liked his chicken like he liked his steaks . . . raw and bloody in the center. That also explains why he’s dead now.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Finger Holes (June 25, 2014)

Dude #1: “There are some holes you shouldn’t stick your finger in and that’s one of them. You’re lucky you still have some of your finger left. Now quit bleeding on my carpet!”

 

Dude #2: “I tried to make the blood suck back in using the power of my mind, but I ended up squeezing out a little poop instead. I hope brown and red are complimentary colors.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Escalation (June 24, 2014)

Bob: “The escalation of your perversions is disturbing and frightening. Soon nothing but murder while you wear a suit made of sticky fresh pine cones under your clothing will bring satisfaction.”

 

Buddy: “Let’s talk about something else. Hey, I almost forgot. I bought a present for you. It’s in the trunk of my car. Come over and take a look.”

 

Bob: “I don’t see it.”

 

Buddy: “It’s right over there next to the crowbar. Bend down and look closer.”

 

Bob: “I don’t see a crowbar.”

 

Buddy: “Here it is!”

 

Bob: “I . . . smell . . . pine . . . cones.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Something Nice (June 15, 2014)

Angry Man: “OK, I’ll say something nice. You don’t look as bad as you smell. Happy? Seriously, though . . . your feet, armpits, and butt crack are in competition with your mouth for worst smell ever.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Blue Sky (June 11, 2014)

Cult Leader: “The sky is not blue. Your mind is blue, so you see blue. If you were truly happy, the sky would be golden. And every storm cloud would bring happy golden showers.”

 

New Follower: “If I hear a zipper, I’m gonna punch somebody.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Sidewalk Kitten (June 10, 2014)

Secret Agent #1: “The sidewalk kitten slid down into the subway. Clang the coconuts and wake the whales. We must frighten the figs before they forage!”

 

Secret Agent #2: “The tree bark is too loud today. Bake some cookies and toss them at the turtles. That should make the trees think twice.”

 

Secret Agent #3: “We fight the dogs for toilet water and blow bubbles at the thorns.”

 

Old Man: “Speak a little louder. There might be a few people in the food court who don’t know that you’re spies. Let me say that so you can understand it: ‘Fruit cabinet pizza tablet. Double nickel bubble pickle.’ ”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Pillow Talk (June 4, 2014)

Wife: “Your problem is that you don’t drool on your pillow enough. It should be more than moist. I want that thing warm and soupy. In case you couldn’t tell, I was being sarcastic.”

 

Husband: “At least something is moist around here.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Too Long (May 30, 2014)

Boss: “The Palmetto is too long! Get a saw and make it shorter! No, put the hammer down. Maybe I’m using too many words for your tiny pea-like brain to understand. Get saw. Saw Palmetto. Got it? Good!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Be Creative (May 28, 2014)

Rich Man: “I don’t care if you lie. Just show me the respect I deserve and be creative. There are only two things you need to do: use protection and think up an entertaining story. Stupidity and laziness are unacceptable. Get savvy or get lost.”

 

Trophy Wife: “It might help if you married women who have an IQ over 100. Me not be good at making talky words.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Group Hug (May 27, 2014)

Friend of Creepy Guy: “OK, Mr. love is love. Go group hug your sister, your daughter, and your mother while giving your wife a big sloppy kiss. If you don’t think that violated some kind of Ghostbusters-like stream crossing rule, there’s something wrong with you.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

You Smell (May 12, 2014)

Husband: “You smell like an unwashed monkey living in the anal cavity of a rotting hippopotamus carcass. ”

 

Wife: “OK, but that doesn’t answer my question about whether my butt looks fat in this dress.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Misunderstood (May 7, 2014)

Snobby Man: “No, no, no! You misunderstood. When I said you were perfect, I meant that I like you just the way you are. It’s nice having someone around who always makes me feel superior.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Pull Up Your Pants (April 23, 2014)

Uncle: “Dude, pull up your pants before you make someone vomit. Your crack needs a wash and wax.”

 

Nephew: “Watch what you say to a thug.”

 

Uncle: “You’re a thug now? OK, try to run from the cops with the top of your pants around your knees and see what happens. I think I’ll start calling you ‘Trip.’ ”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Half Past Creepy (April 19, 2014)

Guy #1: “It’s half past creepy down at the old clubhouse.”

 

Guy #2: “I know. Weird guys wearing goofy hats while they perform strange rituals? No thanks. I’d rather pet the ravenous chinchilla pumpkin at midnight.”

 

Guy #1: “Don’t even joke about petting the ravenous chinchilla pumpkin at midnight!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Level 42 (April 10, 2014)

Man Who Looks Like a Butler: “You have reached level 42. Please take off your shoes and put on your party hats. It’s time to meet the monkey.”

 

Scared Man: “Running might be a good thing to do now.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Trust (April 3, 2014)

Guy #1: “I wouldn’t trust you to put a diaper on a walrus!”

 

Guy #2: “That’s the strangest and worst thing anyone has ever said to me. I don’t know if I should cry or lick a sticky park bench.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Wet and Dry (March 27, 2014)

Man Wearing High Heel Boots: “You’re wet behind the ears and dry between the thighs. That’s a deadly combination around here for somebody over 18. Why don’t you mince your tight-laced little booty back to Kansas or wherever you come from before you get into a tickle fight that you can’t win?”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Permission (March 24, 2014)

Old Man: “I don’t think you can legally sell jars of sweet summer sweat without getting permission from the Eagles. For all we know, Don Henley could be suing Don Felder for selling his own jars on a corner in Winslow, Arizona as we speak.”

 

Young Man: “Who are the Eagles? Who is Don Henley? Who is Don Felder? Stop hurting my brain with things before my time, old man!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Kiss (February 25, 2014)

Father: “If you two are going to kiss like that, leave the room. It sounds like you’re stirring a big bowl of rancid macaroni salad that is full of live maggots.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Salad (February 22, 2014)

Truthful Friend: “Why are you exercising and eating salad? Your wife is ugly, your kids are repulsive brats, and you’re creepy-looking no matter what you do. If I had your life, I’d eat nothing but deep-fried sticks of butter wrapped in bacon.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Nudity (February 18, 2014)

Man Wearing High Heel Boots: “Your nudity smells like stale crackers. Go home, Herbert.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

I Don’t Like You (February 17, 2014)

Man Wearing High Heel Boots: “I don’t like you, but I do like the horse you rode in on. Is he seeing anyone?”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Chicken (February 5, 2014)

College Student: “If a chicken lays an egg in the woods and nobody is there to see it, are we sure which came first? And does the egg make a sound?”

 

Professor: “I quit!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Emotional Maturity (January 21, 2014)

Girl on a Beach: “Your emotional maturity is around the same level as a Mexican soap opera performed by pro wrestlers. In other words, your emotional evolution is thousands of years behind the rest of us. I know some anthropologists who would love to study you.”

 

Greasy Muscle-Bound Dude: “But you still want to have sex, right?”

 

Girl on a Beach: “Of course.”

 

Greasy Muscle-Bound Dude: “Does that mean yes?”

 

Girl on a Beach: “Yes! Hurry before my IQ drops any lower!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Bologna Butter (January 19, 2014)

Voice on TV: “Try new bologna butter. It’s butter that tastes like bologna! Finally, your two favorite flavors in one place! Spread it on bread. Spread it on crackers. Spread it on the one you love.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Liposuction (January 15, 2014)

Fat Dude: “Is it wrong to ask the liposuction doctor to save your fat so you can fry it up and eat it later? Or is that a form of cannibalism?”

 

Friend: “99 percent of the fat came from cheeseburgers, so I think it’s OK as long as you don’t eat any leftover skin from the operation.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

The Human Body (January 12, 2014)

Guy: “No, I don’t want to kiss you. The human body is full of poop and other disgusting things. Keep your horror show to yourself!”

 

Girl: “I said I wanted a tissue! Who would want to kiss you? You smell like cat puke!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Creepy Weird Voice (January 5, 2014)

Annoyed Man: “Your creepy weird voice could curdle milk and make babies cry. Please stop talking. You’re giving everyone a headache and an upset stomach. Just shut up!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Grow Up (January 4, 2014)

Booze-Guzzling Aunt: “When are you going to grow up and stop playing childish video games? Everyone is laughing at you behind your back. You are a disappointment to all of us.”

 

Nephew: “OK, pass me the booze, prescription pills, and TV remote so I can stare at soap operas, reality shows, and sports while in a drool-dripping daze. There, now I’m all growed up.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Who Are You? (December 30, 2013)

Man #1: “Who are you and why are you licking the wax out of my ear?”

 

Man #2: “Sorry. I thought you were somebody else.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Protein (December 28, 2013)

Kid: “If protein gets out protein, why doesn’t all of the flesh fall off my bones when I eat chicken?”

 

Parent: “You watch too many old commercials.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

E-mail (December 20, 2013)

Smart Guy: “Remember, always open every e-mail that you receive and be sure to open every attachment. It’s completely safe, you dim-witted sack of moist poo.”

 

Dumb Guy: “But it said I would have bad luck if I didn’t open the attachment. I don’t want bad luck!”

 

Smart Guy: “It’s bad luck for the world that you’re still breathing.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Lazy (December 19, 2013)

Indolent Dude: “Call me lazy again and I’ll think of a very hurtful comeback during my nap time. You’ll be very sorry 2 hours from now. Better make it 3.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Handshakes (December 2, 2013)

Business Executive: “People, we no longer do handshakes at this company. We have officially transitioned to ‘explosive fisting.’ ”

 

Employee: “Sir, I think that’s called an exploding fist bump.”

 

Business Executive: “ ‘Explosive fisting’ is already in all of our new company literature, so that’s what we’ll continue to call it.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Program (November 30, 2013)

Real Human: “You can’t fool me. I know that you’re just a program designed to extract negative emotions from real humans to feed the aliens that control the Matrix.”

 

Program: “I’m not a program. I’m just a crab in a bucket. Big difference. Now let’s talk about the latest upsetting mainstream news story. Doesn’t it make you angry?”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Squeebie Skwabby (November 24, 2013)

Boss: “I don’t want to hear any squeebie skwabby. Go drop your loaf and get back to work!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Proprietary Salve (November 24, 2013)

Pharmaceutical Sales Representative: “It’s a proprietary salve for trumpet lip. The main ingredients are concentrated knockwurst and caterpillar excrement. I know it sounds disgusting, but it has a delightful zestiness.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Have You Ever Noticed? (November 15, 2013)

Guy #1: “Dude, have you ever noticed that your wife looks exactly like Lewis Black?”

 

Guy #2: “No, but now that will be in my mind every time I have to make love to that sweaty behemoth. Thanks for making my hellish life even worse, you soggy bag of butt juice.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Cheery (November 7, 2013)

Husband: “That’s some cheery theme music for a TV show about murder.”

 

Wife: “Isn’t it delightful? It makes me want to stab someone while wearing something pretty.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Lunch Voice (October 18, 2013)

Male Co-worker: “Holy smoker’s voice, Batman! I bet her lungs look like crispy bacon!”

 

Female Co-worker: “If that’s the case, ask her to come over here and cough over my salad. This thing needs some flavor.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Blind Date (October 17, 2013)

Man on a Blind Date: “Yikes! You have creepy eyes! Are you a serial killer or do you just visit graveyards to eat the flesh of the dead?”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Daddy (October 14, 2013)

Daddy: “ ‘There’s a demon in the darkest corner of the room. It’s staring at you with its glowing red eyes, waiting for you to fall asleep. Your dreams will be its playground. The nightmares woven will rip the fabric of your mind to shreds.’ That’s all for story time tonight, kids. Sweet dreams.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Shut Up (October 11, 2013)

Man Wearing High Heel Boots: “Shut up and eat your caviar! I have mascara on my mind.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Lawyers at Lunch (October 9, 2013)

Lawyer #1: “Look at all of the pretty cigarette butts floating in the koi pond.”

 

Lawyer #2: “Class action fish suit?”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Camping Trip (October 3, 2013)

Uptight Boyfriend: “My elbow is not a lollipop.”

 

Girlfriend: “Tell that to the bear!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Fudge (August 28, 2013)

Comedian #1: “I turned the corner, but fudge wasn’t made. Either someone took the fudge or it was never there in the first place.”

 

Comedian #2: “I’m pretty sure you stole that from an episode of CSI.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

My Hero (August 4, 2013)

Woman: “You’re my hero! Now put on this cape and jump off that tall building over there.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Davy Crockett (August 3, 2013)

Old Man: “Davy Crockett walks into a bar and immediately jumps back in surprise and yells ‘I thought I kilt you when I was only three!’ ”

 

Young Man: “Who is Davy Crockett?”

 

Old Man: “He lived in the 19th century.”

 

Young Man: “That was before my time.”

 

Old Man: “Poison was invented long before you were born, so I guess you don’t know anything about that either. Here, drink this.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Pay It Forward (July 27, 2013)

Guru: “To be fair, ‘pay it forward’ shouldn’t just apply to positive things. If someone kicks you in the crotch, you should kick other people in the crotch as often as you can. Always pay it forward.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Disappointment (July 21, 2013)

Father: “You’ve been a disappointment to me and your mother. Have you thought about running away to the circus?”

 

Kid: “I did, but you didn’t notice. I was gone for 6 months!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Shower (July 8, 2013)

Truthful Friend: “Dude, you smell that bad AFTER a shower? No wonder you can’t keep a girlfriend. You might want to soak in a bathtub filled with sewer water for a couple of hours. It would be an improvement.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Scrubbly Dimwater (July 6, 2013)

Father: “Scrubbly Dimwater explored the haunted forest and discovered a magical slurry.”

 

Son: “I love this story!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Fester Boil (June 26, 2013)

Narrator: “His name was Fester Boil. He liked hot soup and cold women. The day he died was the first day of the rest of his life.”

 

Binge Watcher: “How was this TV show not a hit?”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Moist (June 25, 2013)

Movie Director: “Why is that moist? I don’t think that’s supposed to be moist. Great, it’s not just moist, it’s sticky. Somebody call Kevin. Get Kevin in here right now!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Your Kisses (May 20, 2013)

Cleatus: “Your kisses taste like cigarettes and halitosis. Let’s get married!”

 

Agatha: “What about my incontinence?”

 

Cleatus: “I like a woman who loses control of her bowels when I’m around. It makes me feel special.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Ectoplasm (April 28, 2013)

Husband: “I don’t care what that psychic guy told you at the seance last night when all of the lights were off. That’s not ectoplasm!”

 

Wife: “Yuck! I guess that wasn’t a ghost moaning either.”

 

Husband: “Don’t worry. He’ll be a ghost soon enough.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Phone Call of Doom (April 25, 2013)

Busy Hero: “How bad is your emergency? Turtle head or cheek plaster?”

 

Female Friend of Hero: “Oh, it’s gone beyond cheek plaster. We’re talking panty pudding.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Local News (April 15, 2013)

Local TV News Dufus: “Sorry, we don’t have any new information, but we news vampires will preempt the show you were going to watch and drone on for an hour anyway. We don’t care about you or the victims. We just want to get our faces on TV.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

You Know a Secret (April 3, 2013)

Mysterious Man: “You know a secret that could change the world. It’s on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t quite remember it. Distractions keep it buried and that’s a good thing if you want to preserve your current life. The keepers of secrets only allow you to live if you remain oblivious.”

 

Billy Ricky Joe Bob: “It’s a good thing I always talk about sports, then.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Perfect (March 27, 2013)

Snobby Man: “If it wasn’t for your looks, personality, and bad breath, you’d be perfect.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Dead Relatives (March 17, 2013)

Psychic: “Your dead relatives are watching everything you do. Everything. Get ready for an eternal scolding after you die. You’ll never hear the end of it.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Third World Countries (March 16, 2013)

Co-worker #1: “When are people going to stop acting like Third World countries are Disney World? You will get robbed. You will get stabbed. You will get shot. You will get blown up. You will get decapitated. You will get things poked into your holes.”

 

Co-worker #2: “All at the same time?”

 

Co-worker #1: “No, they give you a menu to choose from.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Large Container (March 3, 2013)

Young Man: “For being a large container made of raw meat that is filled with blood and poop, you’re not so bad.”

 

Young Woman: “Be sure to tell me when you’re old and wrinkled on your deathbed what it’s like to die a virgin.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Brain Fart (February 28, 2013)

Friend #1: “I just had another brain fart, but this time I smelled it.”

 

Friend #2: “Sounds like somebody has been using his cell phone too much.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Eponymous (February, 17 2013)

Record Store Owner: “Music reviewers who overuse the word ‘eponymous’ should be punched in the face until their eyeballs explode.”

 

Young Employee: “Eponymous sounds like a place you go online if you want to buy a hippopotamus.”

 

Record Store Owner: “Mention the word ‘online’ again and you’re fired! We don’t use that word around here.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Jiggle (January 6, 2013)

Mad Scientist: “Be sure to jiggle the compensated mainspring when you hear the silence caused by hazardous inactivity. You never want caustic kaleidoscope excretions to build up around your tender protoplasm.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Mashed Potatoes (December 29, 2012)

Mother: “Stop licking mashed potatoes off your brother’s face! If you want more, I’ll give you more.”

 

Son: “But mom, his face taters are sweet like candy.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Dude (November 29, 2012)

Guy #1: “Dude, I said you could pee in my shower, but not while I’m in it!”

 

Guy #2: “Too many rules!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Big Foot (November 26, 2012)

Scientist: “Sorry, the DNA test for your ‘Big Foot’ hair was inconclusive.”

 

Squatcher Dude: “What about this live baby Big Foot that we captured in the woods?”

 

[Government goons bust in and take the baby Big Foot.]

 

Scientist: “What baby Big Foot?”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Christmas at the Mall (November 20, 2012)

Male Acquaintance: “ ‘Tis the season to force your screaming kids onto the lap of a stranger. It’s a tradition!”

 

Mother: “A costume automatically makes a stranger trustworthy. It’s always been that way in America. If you don’t like it, move to another country!”

 

Male Acquaintance: “Wow, you’re kinda dumb aren’t ya?”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Pink Insulation (November 15, 2012)

Stepson: “You lied. Pink insulation does not taste like cotton candy.”

 

Stepfather: “You just didn’t eat enough of it. Keep munching.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Toothpick Willy (October 8, 2012)

Bartender: “They call him Toothpick Willy. He got that name because of a drunken dare. He hasn’t been able to remove it since then and he’s too embarrassed to see a doctor.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

The Truth (September 28, 2012)

Father: “You are made of exploded star guts and guts are full of poop, so you are made of star poop.”

 

Son: “Star poop? Does that mean I’ll have a crappy life, Dad?”

 

Father: “That’s right, Son. The truth stinks, doesn’t it?”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Budding Superhero (September 17, 2012)

Budding Superhero at the Yearly Superhero Summit: “I see the evil things people do when they think no one is looking thanks to my new invisibility cloak. Now if I could just stop farting, I’d never get caught.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Slobber (September 14, 2012)

Boyfriend: “Sorry. I didn’t mean to slobber in your mouth.”

 

Girlfriend: “That’s OK. My mouth was dry anyway.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Clever (September 8, 2012)

Son: “If you can kill with either hand, you are ambimurderous.”

 

Mother: “Aren’t you clever? Mother’s little future serial killer. Remind me to decapitate you in your sleep tonight. Don’t worry, I’ll use both hands.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Country (August 29, 2012)

Radio Talk Show Host: “An unwashed country smells like fish. And yes, they do grow on trees.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Digna Tea (August 28, 2012)

Smartass #1: “What does Digna Tea taste like?”

 

Smartass #2: “You’ll never know.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Scream (August 7, 2012)

Radio Talk Show Host: “Scream these 3 words 10 times as fast as you can in a public place: ‘Fling. Gorf. Yuck.’ ”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

What Doesn’t Kill You (June 22, 2012)

Guru: “What doesn’t kill you slows you down so you’ll be easier to kill next time.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Which Came First? (June 14, 2012)

Teacher: “Which came first? The chicken or the egg?”

 

Smartass: “I don’t think eggs can do that, so it must be the chicken.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Toilet Seats (May 6, 2012)

Goofy Nerd: “If toilet seats are cleaner than computer keyboards, why don’t they make keyboards in the shape of toilet seats?”

 

Smart Nerd: “Because I punch you.”

 

Goofy Nerd: “Ow!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Pluckett Thumperton (April 17, 2012)

Narrator: “His name was Pluckett Thumperton. He liked meatloaf pie and jerky juice. He killed himself by shoving a banana in his ear when the beef jerky pressing machine at his factory broke down and he couldn’t afford to get it fixed.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Metatarsal Wars (April 12, 2012)

Online Ad: “Play Metatarsal Wars: The game is a foot!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

I Knew a Girl (April 2, 2012)

Man in a Bar: “I knew a girl who kept crabs in a bucket of water and carried them with her wherever she went. When anyone asked her out, she’d say ‘No thanks. I have crabs.’ ”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

American Pops Cereal (March 3, 2012)

TV Commercial: “Try new American Pops cereal. It has marshmallows in the shape of guns, breast implants, and crystal meth.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Dollar (January 17, 2012)

Man #1: “If I give you a dollar, will you rub me down there?”

 

Man #2: “I’ll do it for free.”

 

Man #1: “Thanks! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?!! I meant my feet!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Please Do Not Eat (January 9, 2012)

Tour Guide: “And finally, please do not eat the melon collie.”

 

Tourist: “Too late. The hairy deliciousness is already in my tummy. I do feel sad about it now, if that makes you feel any better.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Free the Flying Reindeer! (December 25, 2011)

College Freshman Speaking Through a Megaphone: “Free the flying reindeer! Assassinate Santa Claus!”

 

College Junior #1: “I think that kid left home without some basic knowledge.”

 

College Junior #2: “We’re going to have so much fun with this kid next Easter. I’ll buy the rabbit costume. You buy the eggs and the potato cannon.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Bee Holders (December 15, 2011)

Man #1: “There are too many bee holders out there. Maybe after all of the bees die, we’ll get some real beauty.”

 

Man #2: “No, we need the bees. The holders are the ones who need to die.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

MLP (December 7, 2011)

Clueless Radio Talk Show Host: “Remember, the word midget is offensive, so never call a guy a ‘mental midget.’ Call him a ‘mental little person’ instead (or MLP for short).”

 

Caller: “I knew your rabid pollitical correctness would bite you in the ass one day. You’re dumber than a box of freeze-dried dumb.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Pistachio (October 19, 2011)

Male Co-worker: “ ‘Pistachio’ sounds like a urine-soaked fancy mustache.”

 

Female Co-worker: “That’s probably a real fad somewhere in Europe.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Avenge (October 12, 2011)

Radio Talk Show Host: “He shall avenge the deaths of the innocent with his exploding poo-stained underwear!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

That’s Nice (September 24, 2011)

Man Wearing High Heel Boots: “That’s nice. Your pants are pointy. Can you do any other tricks?”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Violence (September 17, 2011)

Public Service Announcement: “Violence is a terrible thing to waste. Punch a friend today.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Earwax (September 4, 2011)

Outspoken Man: “Hey, creepy dude. Stop sniffing your earwax.”

 

Creepy Dude: “My earwax, my business.”

 

Outspoken Man: “It’s the business of everyone in this restaurant since you’re the one touching our food.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Prisons (August 30, 2011)

Man #1: “Prisons are full of people who lived every day like it was their last. That’s how they got there. I’d rather live like I’m never going to die.”

 

Man #2: “Yeah, if you think too far out of the box, you’ll end up locked in a box.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Chicken Cross Road (August 28, 2011)

Man #1: “Why did the chicken cross the road? It wanted to get away from the guy who was trying to choke it. ”

 

Man #2: “Yay! Another chicken crossing a road joke! Thanks for making my life a little more mundane.”

 

Man #1: “I’m sensing sarcasm. I might be offended if I knew what ‘mundane’ meant.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Stimulating Conversation (August 26, 2011)

Smart Phone User: “I know we were having a stimulating conversation, but I just got a text message, so you’re no longer interesting. Be gone.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Self-Defense (August 24, 2011)

Radio Talk Show Host: “If lethal self-defense is legal when your life is in danger, and overpopulation endangers your life, I think that means you can legally kill anyone you want until we reach zero population growth.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Ghosts (August 18, 2011)

Paranormal Investigator #1: “The glowing objects caught by the thermal camera might look like my fingers, but they’re not! They’re ghosts! Ghosts! GHOSTS!”

 

Paranormal Investigator #2: “I believe you, but I also believe that spiders and bugs on security camera lenses are angels and orbs.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Jealous Dogs (August 6, 2011)

Helpful Hint on a TV Show About Pets: “Make the other dogs in your neighborhood jealous. Put multicolored glitter in your dog’s food. Your front yard will sparkle like a disco explosion. Warning: Glitter could either kill your dog or give him an uncontrollable desire to watch Liberace videos. If your dog shows signs of death or Liberace addiction, take him to see a veterinarian immediately.”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

I’m an American (June 2, 2011)

Angry Tourist: “I’m an American. I don’t eat with long wooden tweezers. Now get me a fork and a spoon before I shove these sticks up your urethra!”

Permanent Link

 

 

 

 

Hydrofracking is Evil

Visit waterdefense.org to learn why hydrofracking is bad for you, your family, your friends, and the environment.

Music Time

If you’re not into Yoda; if you choose to abstain. If you hate movie lines at midnight; creepy dudes wear a cape. Then I’m the one that you’ll cook for; come with me and eat steak. (April 15, 2015)

Mammalian ABBA region knees mistaken for a tree ‘till you hear ‘em as they moan away an’ the tree begin to bleed. (August 10, 2014)

Babies, don’t let your mamas go out and date cowboys. (August 10, 2014)

Now that his nose smells the fumes, a fright hits the groom in Bombay. (April 2, 2014)

Feral shocker. Feral shocker. Dorm room poo. Dorm room poo. Won’t you taste my pizza? Won’t you taste my pizza? Three days old. Three days old. (November 3, 2013)

Don’t stop, thinking about Rob Morrow. Don’t stop, he will soon be here. He will be, better than before. Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone. (February 24, 2013)

Never gonna knock you up. Never gonna let you drown. Never gonna rip your gown and pervert you. Never gonna make you high. Never gonna weigh your thigh. Never gonna pop a stye and squirt you. (January 9, 2013)

Suddenly I pee (suddenly I pee), where no one else would think to pee. Suddenly I pee (suddenly I pee), wherever the hell I want to pee. . . (September 15, 2012)

‘Cause I shot you once. Now I shot you twice. Now I’ll blow you up with some dynamite! (October 14, 2011)

Precious and few are the moments we toucans share (September 26, 2011)

Please smell my bell. Sunday monkey bone play piano song. Play piano song. (September 16, 2011)

I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can . . . fall down the stairs and break my F-ing neck. (June 13, 2011)

Fake Band Names

Words and phrases that should be band names if they aren’t already:

 

Fiscal Cliff

Submissive Pisser

Xenon Heatsink

Slug Jelly

Inbox 90

Antimatter Flashlight

Good Fish for Four

Back to Top

 

Disclaimer

View this page and any external web sites at your own risk. I am not responsible for any possible spiritual, emotional, physical, financial or any other damage to you, your friends, family, ancestors, or descendants in the past, present, or future, living or dead, in this dimension or any other.

 

Do not do or say any of the things on this page unless you want to get punched, stabbed, shot, or arrested.

 

Home Inventions Quotations Game Design Atari Memories Personal Pages About Site Map Contact Privacy Policy Tip Jar